You may have read my earlier posts about my struggles in my relationship (or non-relationship) with my mother. Nothing has changed.
Social Distancing has ironically made it easier to cope in some ways: I was not able to visit and, as bad as that might make me out to be, I found that this was a relief. If I didn’t have to meet her, there would be no friction.
I had called on my father’s birthday, and I sent bread hampers over the weeks; bakeries in their neighbourhood are shut.
I called again today to check in. Not even my father (he goes along with my mother to get along) had contacted me to say anything about receiving the hamper – I don’t need thanks, just acknowledgement that the food had arrived so I could follow up with the delivery folks, if necessary.
My aunt informed me that my mother had ranted and raged upon the receiving the first hamper. She snarked about my sending food for only my aunt and father and refused to touch any because it was not for her. My aunt even had to stop her from giving everything to the neighbours.
The amount of food should have made it clear it was for everyone but I had forgotten about the narcissist’s martyr complex. I had allowed myself to overlook her cruel tongue. And I had deluded myself, once again, into thinking I should care.
My aunt also informed me that my mother has prepared 3 letters to be sent to my father’s relatives, each one detailing my multitude of sins. And she has had her lawyer draw up a new will in which I would get nothing.
Like it matters. I don’t want things. What I want is some measure of civility so that my own family doesn’t have to witness this acrimony. What I want is a regular mom. What I want is a dad who can support me. What I want is a situation where just sending bread doesn’t have to unleash another cycle of cruel words.
So, tonight, I finally broke down.
Tonight, I accepted that I am going to have to stand on my own, and stand up for myself. I am an unwanted child who has had her reputation smeared to anyone with hearing abilities; even my father has not denied that when my mother visits relatives, she speaks ill of me.
If even sending food because I cannot visit (not that I would have wanted to visit) is a problem, then either I am truly abhorrent to my mother or I am the stupidest person alive to continue to delude myself that being filial matters, and to believe that I have parents.
RDP ~ Rosy Hues