I have a nightmare. It doesn’t occur at night, though; it’s more like an all-day fear of what might be.
You see, I have this condition called an ‘essential tremor’ in my right hand. I’ve been to doctors and I’ve been MRI’ed, tested, poked and measured. The good news is that conditions like Parkinson’s have been ruled out; the bad news is there is a definite shaking when the hand is in use (which is the main difference between the tremor and Parkinson’s, where tremors occur even at rest).
If I hold a lighter to light a candle, I miss the wick. If I try to play a scale on the piano, the cat walking across the keyboard sounds better. I’ve stopped taking photos. I drop things and now avoid glassware or sharp objects. This avoidance is not medical advice, it’s just my fear of injury because I’ve jerked, sloshing liquid out of a cup. Then dropped the cup.
My nightmare is that this tremor degenerates to a point where I can’t sew, knit, butter bread, stir milk into tea, hold a writing instrument, point the mouse …
Some of you might have read that I’ve been trying bullet journaling. I have no artistic genes whatsoever, but I enjoy colour and looking at beautiful images, whether out the window, on Pinterest or here, where there are so many gorgeous photos. So I decided that I was going to try capturing some of this beauty on paper – my way.
I’m not going to beat myself up (I’d probably miss anyway) if my doodles are horrendous or if my handwriting is sloppy or if I jerk and create an unintended slash. They will all be regarded as artistic attempts and converted into something colourful and cheerful.
I will practise, and draw lines and circles, and every straight line will be a victory. I will set little goals to work towards, so that I can check ‘done’ every so often. I would like to see how far I can go and how far I’ve come.
I’m told there is no cure and that the tremors could get worse, but I’ll know I didn’t sit passively for the nightmare to take over. Oh, but I will say this: the tremors seem to have reduced. Perhaps it is writing and colouring. Perhaps it is switching to wooden knitting needles. Perhaps it is returning to beginner level chromatic scales. Perhaps it’s plain old using muscles in the hand. Who knows.
We’ll see what happens at the doctor’s appointment next month.
In response to Ragtag Daily Prompt ~ Nightmare
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